Dear Jamie, I like your new haircut. It’s very chic but also professional. Signed: your best friend, John. Scribble, scribble, signature. This is exactly what happens when you have the ability to turn on your computer (barred an unexpected Windows update), visit your favorite website where you buy your cards online, choose a card, enter your text intended for dear old Jamie, and place your order – life suddenly becomes a cornucopia of love and congratulations!
“Dear John, thank you so much for your kind wishes. Have a happy Friday, the end of the workweek, time of utmost joy and tranquility. Sincerely, Jamie.”
Imagine how great your life can become when you’ll now able to harass your friends and family, day in and day out, officially congratulating them on taking a successful shower, making perfect scrambled eggs, or waking up and showing to work on time for the fifth time in a row this week.
Of course, you can do much more than that.
You can show your love and appreciation to someone. Everyone loves a card. Everyone loves being congratulated, and praised, and cheered – even the hard misers and misanthropes who claim they don’t need anyone but themselves, that they can survive and even thrive on their very own.
A phone call, from a hands-on point of view, is a very simple activity. Three smartphone taps are all it takes to reach someone nowadays. Cards, on the other hand, are an endeavor – which is exactly why they carry much more weight. You have to go out, find a store, enter a store, pick out a card, buy a card, bring it home, write on it, then go to the post office, and mail the card. It’s tedious, time-consuming, and discourages the average person from even coming within 1000 yards to a place that sells cards – even during important holidays and events.
Not anymore. Three mouse clicks are all it takes to buy and send a card now. Time, place, and reason are irrelevant.
• They passed an important exam
“I’m so proud of you. You’re on your way up, and fast. I love you and think of you, Yours truly…”
• You beat them in a computer game
“Dear Friend, thank you for last night. I’ve never owned anyone as hard as that, and it was a special moment for me. Stay bad. Thanks.”
• Your friend’s child is learning how to read
“Dear Child, I’ve enclosed a LEGO gift certificate in the envelope along with this card. Every time you read my card in front of your parents, aloud, and make very few mistakes, you will get a brand new LEGO set. Love, xxx.”
• You want to remind YOURSELF that you are a wild, wild cat and a great person
“Dear me, you are so cool and so good and so amazing. Every time I see you I am reminded of how great you are. The mirror in the hall is privileged to see you every day. It knows the answer to the Evil Queen’s question: “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Think of what the world will look like to your elderly grandparents, people who are ever closing in on a century of existing, the great overlords who brought your entire family to life a long time ago: how appreciated, happy, lucky will they feel when they get a card at the beginning of each month – or even each week? The reason for sending the card is entirely unimportant. Celebrate your Sundays with them, celebrate good weather, celebrate nothing – just show them you love them.
The arrival of your grandparents’ postman may be a very important event in their day – make it count. Of course you can use the phone to talk to them and tell them you love them. Of course you can do it face to face. But it is highly unlikely that you will do it as often as you’d like, as often as you should, or as often as you can. That’s one of the reasons why places where you can buy cards online exist.
“Dear Grandma, dear Grandpa, how are you? I hope you’re having a great day. I will see you next week. Love, xxx.”
Buying cards online is revolutionizing the congratulating and well-wishing scene. You will no longer have to wait for important, traditional holidays to get in touch with people, to make them happy, to celebrate life with them.
Cards bought online can even help you keep those brain dead friendships and relationships alive. You don’t even particularly like Tammy or Jimmy or Viola or Spencer or Greta right now. They are people who used to be important to you at a certain point in your life; be they cousins, relatives, business partners, friends, ex-lovers, friends of friends, etc. Then at some point you drifted apart, for whatever reason. It happens.
But you don’t want to cut all ties with them. Naturally, calling them on the phone is not an option – you don’t really want to talk to them if you don’t have to. But you can send them a card. How great of a life-supporting device is it, when they get an actual card for every holiday, for their birthday, for important life events? It shows them (or makes them think) you care.
All of the occasions for which you can now buy cards online are too numerous to list. Never again miss anyone’s important, semi-important, or completely non-important life event. You will be the Superman of wishing people happy birthdays, wishing them luck with exams and job interviews, or just saying hello every once in a while. And your only kryptonite will be your lack of imagination.
Now go buy a card for someone.