Funny Card Messages – June

Funny Card Messages

As human health goes, laughter is as vital as the air we breathe, the food and drink we consume, and the human contact we actively seek.

It is proven that laughter stimulates endorphin, serotonin and HGH (human growth hormone) release.

Also, it greatly diminishes the amount of cortisol and epinephrine found in one’s body (stress hormones secreted from the adrenal glands).

Now, let us assess what the laughter situation is in your life. Here are a couple of questions from the Hipper team that we’d like you to answer: do you laugh less than, say, a month or a year ago?

Why do you think it is so? Stress? Work-environment? Unhealthy interpersonal relationships? Money problems?

Take a few moments to examine yourself. Done? Good.

You’ve completed the very first step to a curvier smile and a healthier life. In addition to your own happiness and well-being, members of a loving and functional society also care about the well-being of others.

So, in order to help you help others (for when you make another person happy you’ve benefited them, society, as well as yourself), we’ve come up with a list of funny card messages that you can use when you want to congratulate someone, thank them, wish them well, or just make them feel good.

We’ll categorise the messages by theme. Let’s go:

Birth of a child

The list shoots off with a long, overdrawn, satirical criticism of parenthood.

  1. Dear Parents,

you understand that the life you know, the life you are used to living and enjoy living and thought you’d live for the rest of your days, is now over. For the next 18 years (at least, because you know parenthood never ends) your everyday will be that of a doctor on call. For the first couple of years, the patient will be merciless, relentless, the one and only true descendant of Narcissus. Then, they will turn into a little human being with myriad questions, all valid and necessary to be answered, but questions that will haunt you in your dreams. You will wake up in a sweat, having dreamt of faceless apparitions chasing you, yelling “What is this? What is it made of? Why is your hair brown? Why isn’t your hair brown, daddy?”

Love,

xxx

Moving on: onto a slightly shorter, concise, pragmatic well-wisher’s congratulation.

  1. Dear Parents,

your life is now over.

Love,

xxx

Now, it stands to reason that at least one person congratulating would write the young parents a funny, yet comforting and pacifying card.

  1. Dear Parents,

even though your lives may prove to be hell for the next several months, in the end, you will find it to be the most rewarding thing you’ve ever done. Your child is, at the same time, your biggest curse and your biggest blessing. Curse, because, you know, say goodbye to sleep for the time being. Blessing, because you’ve brought into this world the fruit of your love, a kind human being, and a worthy citizen.

Yours,

xxx

New job

Your friend, family member or acquaintance got new job. Naturally, that warrants a card. However, don’t let them off the hook that easily…

  1. Dear Friend,

congratulations on your new 9-5. Correction, on your new 9-6:30, at best. You know what Jones is like as a boss. He’s a good guy, don’t get me wrong, but is a horribly demanding boss. Also, I will purchase a compilation of the world’s best audiobooks for you to enjoy on your new one-hour ride to work. Remember how you always said you hate commuting? You’ll have to learn to love it now. Also, my audiobooks will make sure you learn while learning to love it. I’ll think of you the next time I don’t have to get up with the sun. Which is pretty much every day.

Happy camping!

Yours,

xxx

Be supportive, but not so supportive that they forget you’re their real friend (real friends, regardless of gender, age, and differences in socioeconomic status, are supposed to berate each other teasingly).

  1. Dear Friend,

I am really happy for you. You deserved the job more than anyone else. I do think you got the job because of your supreme leadership skills, extensive knowledge, and ability to handle difficult situations. I also believe you got the job because the board of directors knows you as ‘that guy who doesn’t snap under monstrous amounts of back-breaking, neck-twisting, soul-shattering stress’.

Good luck,

xxx

Holidays (Christmas, Easter, vacation)

Wish your friends and family a merry Christmas, a holiday that the famous American singer Andy Williams called “The Most Wonderful Time of The Year.”

  1. Dear Friend/Family,

I hope you’re not as snowed in as we are over here. It is nigh impossible for me to get to work, or come back home. I have to wait for the snowplow to clear the roads. My youngest got the flu on Wednesday. It’s all the heat and humidity in their classrooms – and you can’t open the window because then the poor kids will get pneumonia on top of the flu. Plus, my wife has cabin fever. Why, I told her, dearest, it can’t be cabin fever, for you live in a huge Victorian house in North London. Also, I take it you are consuming your garlic, vitamin C, and ginger in appropriate amounts, so you don’t catch this awful flu.

Anyway, where was I…

Yes, a merry Christmas to you and your family!

Yours,

xxx

Easter is approaching, and you want to wish your Catholic friend a Happy and Belated Easter. Do it like this, but only if you are sure they’ll be up for a joke or two.

  1. Dear Friend,

Easter is a time of great joy for us Catholics, but is also a time of great sorrow for Jesus and his parents. I understand how it must feel, to give your body and your soul to your fellow man and receive nothing but hatred and contempt in return. It happened to me once. Granted, I never experienced the extent of man’s hatred as Jesus did, but hey – remember the time I got Marcy that nice ring but then she suddenly changed her mind and decided she wanted a holiday for two instead? I got the silent treatment for almost a week… Anyway, Happy Easter, friend, and I hope you spend it surrounded with your loved ones.

Yours sincerely,

xxx

To end this list, we’re going to advise you on how to congratulate your friend for finally taking that dream vacation of his.

  1. Dear Friend,

I know the geopolitical climate in the country of your dreams is not ideal, but that needn’t worry you. We’ve got a great embassy there, and I’m sure the local people have forgiven us for the decades and decades of colonial rule. You’ll be fine. Mind you, I read about what happened to that tourist—no, I didn’t, really. Stay safe, don’t drink the water, don’t eat off the street, and stay away from dark alleys at night. Also, wear a money belt. And make a copy of your passport to carry around with you. While I’m at it, here, this is the phone number of the embassy: xxx.

Enjoy, you’ll have the time of your life.

Sincerely,

xxx

These, plus numerous other witty and funny card messages will assure your friend looks forward to cards from you. Imagine getting the 20th card this year saying: “Merry Christmas to you and your family, from…” It’s tiring, right?

You feel like they placed no effort in it, right? Sure, they thought of you, and they sent the card. But is that enough anymore?

Why, you can order these cards online from places, well, don’t know, like Hipper.com, and just send them to your friends without ever having to leave your apartment. However,

Hipper.com lets you write custom messages on the cards – it shows your friends you really, truly care. And, on the plus side, you still don’t have to leave the apartment!

Add a bouquet of fresh flowers to your card. A win-win for all!

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Florence Hazel is a full-time writer with a Masters in English and Sociology. Florence believes that if a single person benefits in some way from her writing, be it physically, emotionally, mentally, or any other kind of –ally, her job was a job well done. She made it her goal to sell happiness and well-being as much as she does flowers and cards. To quote the song Florence starts obsessively humming when words get muddled at the end of an 8-hour workday, “One, two, three, my writing opts for clarity!”
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